Almost a full month of solo.
It's almost a full month of parenting alone here. Truth be told, as much as I am always up for the challenge, it is darn exhausting. I have now gained a new level of respect to those parents who chose to do this full time, being away from their partner and having to deal with parenting and home needs alone. What's more when they have a day job or a business to run.
To you, I salute.
I guess the only thing that is holding me up that this is all temporary. Husband is settling down well in Doha, but he too has a lot of things running through his mind, adapting to a new environment and to a new country, being homesick and having to deal with all the papers and formalities needed to start building a new home for us there.
Oh ya, I did not make the announcement. Yes, we are uprooting and moving to Doha, Qatar soon. How I feel about it deserves a whole other post, which I will do, as I find myself gravitating back to writing as it is cathartic and helps me ground myself.
The other day I broke down after my Isyak prayers. It was too overwhelming. It's heavy, it's dark. It's like being bombarded with layers and layers of heavy blanket. Just when you are about to breathe again, there's another thing to be done, another thing to think of. It never ends.
Preparations for our move, things to settle here before we leave. My children's needs, my business needs. My own needs. Missing my husband. Chores. Errands. It's crazy. Beautiful kind of crazy because I have a wonderful life to be thankful about. But, I have to acknowledge the overwhelming feeling and I can not ignore how it makes me feel and be in denial about it.
Esfahan was playing with his toys, his brother and sister is away at their grandparents. I took the time to absorb the emotions I was feeling. Crying makes me feel a lot better. This surge of energy that flows out, it's an overflow that I needed to let go.
He saw me crying and took a break from his wonderful imaginary play with his toy cars and came over to give me a hug. He held my face, wiped away my tears and sat on my lap. Gave me this sweet innocent look of "Mummy, you are gonna be OK". I don't know what I did right with this sweetheart of mine, but I know that I am grateful that he is showing compassion even at this very young age.
I felt a lot better.
Most nights ends with exhaustion these days. I am managing. Finding ways to prioritize things, and not let anxiety set in. Journalling helps, eventhough I rarely have time to sit down quietly to write but I do it as much as I can.
I am not apologising for feeling this way. If there's one thing I learned about emotions, it's when I don't embrace it is when it is the most dangerous. Letting it flow, finding ways to let it naturally ease off is the best way that works for me. It may take time, but it is for the better.