Mommy Melancholy

As the oldest child, there was a point in my childhood days that I wished I had a little sister. I had 2 little brothers immediately after me and boy, I had enough. Not meaning to say that I had enough of taking care of them (never thought of that anyway), I had enough of boredom and nobody to share my feminine touch with.

So, one day my mom finally got pregnant again. I remembered that I was hoping very much for a little sister, I prayed to God that he grants me my wish.

And so He did. My parents were pretty much excited too I guess, as it was about time that another daughter is born to make 2 pairs of children (boy boy, girl girl).

At the age of 13, I finally had a little sister. I remembered that I was so happy, and I immediately fell in love with her. Being 13 years apart from my sister, I was able to help my mom take care of her. We grew close, as close as me being a second to my mom. Back in those days, eventhough we had to live apart due to my dad's work in Switzerland, and me being in a boarding school, I remembered that I always looked forward to meeting her each time.

As the baby of the family, she was the apple to everyone's eyes. She was soo cute when she was little, so chubby and playful and play-able, until one day, I failed to realize that despite her being cute and all, she is actually growing up. I used to ask for little pecks on the cheek from her, you know, the kind of loving gestures (now I get it from Bella, heheh). Usually my sister always oblige and playfully peck me on the cheeks, but not on this one day, when she was 10 years old, that she somehow said NO.

That was a hit, right on my face. I was taken aback that she declined and kind of said "I am a big girl already". In my mind, she was still that sweet and chubby little girl whose company was such a sheer joy to have. She was still that innocent little cuddly baby sister who will always look up to you and ask you to play with her.

Oh well, I guess I had to learn it the hard way. So despite feeling pretty much "rejected" and "oh-my-sister-does-not-love-me-anymore", I finally came to terms. Indeed, she has grown up, and it is time to treat her differently, as she grows.

Akila, my sister is 14 going on 15 years old now, and as I am writing, she is busy in the next room, Skyping with her teenage friends. Busy making plans for her day out tomorrow. Busy being a hormonal and carefree teenager.

In retrospect, now that I have my own daughter, I can't help but to think whether someday I will be able to remember what my sister has taught me earlier on. I wonder whether I will be able to accept the fact that someday my little Bella will also grow up, into a girl and a fine young woman, and making a life of her own.

I gotta admit that I sometimes freak out at how fast she is growing up. Each day when I come back from work, I could not help being sorry that I had to miss 8 hours of being there for her. I am pretty sure that she does not mind, but being a working mom, things like this really have an impact on you, no matter how small or big it is.

My dear Salsabila,
As you grow older I hope that you still will give me pecks on my cheeks. Even when mine get saggier, and yours get rosier. The feeling that it gives me whenever you do it, nothing in the world can describe. I promise that I won't ask for much, seeing you happy is enough for me.

These days you imitate me so much, you even try to put on my shoes, and do the laundry. How you look up to me, and how it is so important for me to be the best role model that I can be.

I will try my best to be the best mom you could ever have. I want to be your bestfriend too.

But meanwhile, as you grow up, I hope you can pardon me if I forgot that you actually are. Because my dear Bella, you will always be my little girl in my heart. Mine to cherish for the rest of my life.

Love ya,
Mommy (or as you can only pronounce now, Ma Ma)


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